The marriage of your dreams! But, sometimes comes a nightmare

I have wanted to blog for sometime now.  But, if you have undiagnosed ADHD , a husband, and nine children, you might be distracted. Just a little.  Nevertheless, for some strange reason, there has always been a burning desire to share my heart through the written word.  So, for better or worse, I am embracing this journey.

I suppose I should begin this path by telling a little about myself.  Most of you who would choose to click on this and actually read it, probably know me and my family's story so I hate to bore you right off the bat, but at the remote chance someone doesn't know me, I'll begin with a little history.

Thirty-two years ago, I married the man of my dreams.  Now let me tell you, I have amazing dreams but sometimes my dreams are nightmares.  Every marriage has a nightmare or two as well. Even the very best ones. You can hardly live without a bad dream every now and then.  But, the good dreams...ah, now there is something to talk about!

I hate to confess this, but Phil and I are the couple that might make everyone around us gag.  My heart literally beats faster when he comes in a room.  I am almost as fast as our dog, Sugar, at racing to the door to greet him when he comes home.  We are so in love, it might be embarrassing. Except it's not.  I mean, a successful marriage is our goal, isn't it?

When we took that vow so many years ago, we didn't know what  "for better or for worse" would mean.  How bad, hard, difficult, could it be?   After years of illness, an overseas calling to missions, three biological deliveries, six adoptions, a child who attempted her life, one who claimed atheism, hard ministry, new careers, and then a  cancer diagnosis.  Nah...piece of cake!

Interesting, isn't it?  The ups and downs of life.  We were so young and naive.  Oh my goodness, I'm glad we didn't have a crystal ball! Amazing though, when you go through all of those things side by side and both united by the Lord, you can't look back with regret.  God uses everything. You hear me?  Everything.
Every trial,
every hardship,
every pain, .
every success,
every failure.
every nightmare.
Somehow he uses it to develop his children into children with character.  A little humor maybe.  Add stamina.  And although he still has to work on me with this...patience.

Phil and I have a secret of our success. Want to know what it is?  It's called forgiveness.  It's called loving unconditionally.  It's called never giving up, apologizing and then apologizing again for the same stupid thing you've done a million times.  It's having a silly game of "good night, honey" that you play every night as your head hits the pillow that makes you laugh like you're twelve years old. Its praying, and playing and loving, and dating... together.  Ahh...sounds like fun, doesn't it?  Also, sounds like a lot of good ole fashioned hard work.  You heard me, work.  We work at our marriage as hard as any sculptor commissioned to build a work of art. Something not right...we get on the old tool belt and start chiseling.  The one thing we don't do is give up.
Sort of a novel idea these days...that not giving up thing.

In the middle of ugly

I confess, I'm in the middle of ugly.  I realized it when my husband used this phrase to express how horrible it would be if the Lord returned and found him in the "middle of ugly".  I know what you mean, honey.  I'm there.

I could fill you in on my life over the past year. The cancer diagnosis, the extensive chemo treatments, radiation, top it off with emergency hospitalizations for two close family members, a replacement of an HVAC, and a staff infection that is plaguing our house (We are clean people dog gone it!!) and wha lah!  Stress and ugly.   You would probably give me sympathy and tell me I deserve to have a few episodes of "ugly".  I know...I'm human, blah, blah, blah.

What is "the middle of ugly", you ask?  It's when you have had life slap you so hard it is beginning to leave scars.  It's when you have summoned the coping skills and used them to the fullest and rolled up the tube but you just can't squeeze out anymore.  It's  when the patience runs thin and the eye twitch can't be hidden anymore, and crazy starts peeping out from under your sleeve ...and WHAM!!  Out comes the ugly. Oh, it comes out.  Like an avalanche of toothpaste spilling from the tube, it comes out.  Nothing you can do to suck it back in there either.   The impatience, the eye roll, the too loud instructions that have the slightest bit of an edge to it. The teeth grinding, the tossing and turning of  sleepless nights, the hot flashes that cause you to practically strip publicly.   Oh, it's the ugly alright!

That's where I am, pure and simple.  Right smack dab in the middle of ugly. It isn't a pretty place to be and I would argue, not even interesting.  It's a hot mess and no fun. It's a guilt trip and a basket case, all in one. It leaves you screaming, WHERE IN THE HECK IS THE CURE FOR THIS??

Hmmm. Cure for this.  Let's see....the only thing I can come up with is grace.  From you, from my family, from God.  Not that I am excusing my ugly. Not at all....no way. It's just that I'm in a spot in life where, well, I am not the one extending grace, I'm the one in need of it.

A humbling place to be, let me tell you.  I take pride in my "niceness".  I LIKE to be LIKED.  I enjoy helping others!  I like to handle things with ease, and march around my house like Martha Stuart!  I like it...too much.  Maybe that is why I'm in the middle of ugly. Perhaps the Lord is teaching me this truth.......Cast all your cares upon me, he says.  My burden is light, he whispers to me.  But, Lord!  I've always been so capable of bearing my own burden!!  Ahhhhh, but that is NOT how I intended it, he gently reminds me.

So, here I sit.  One slightly scarred human in need of grace.  And there you are.... full of it. And I thank you.