How to leave a legacy

John and Babs Whitmire

Do you ever think about your legacy?  What is it you are leaving behind? Are you making a lasting impact on the children in your home and all of those around you? Are you giving them an example that years from now, they will look back and realize that they learned that by watching you?

I had that kind of experience a few months ago. My parents are elderly. My dad is 88 and my mom coming right behind him at 87. Unfortunately my dad had some issues that sent us to the hospital ER and a few days of staying in the hospital bed after that. This was a time when I as their daughter needed to take extra care to be there for them. Honestly, it was a pleasure. Watching the way my parents, even in their time of need, cared for all of those around them was inspiring. It made me truly analyze the things that I have learned from them and the example they have set for me my entire life. Here is what my parents have taught me that will stay with me for a lifetime:

1) People are valuable.

I watched as my parents valued every single person who entered their room. They made sure to know their name and what position they held at the hospital. Yolanda was their housekeeper that day, Tracy was their nurse, Richard, their CNA. You get the idea. They all had names and stories and my mom and dad were masters at getting them to talk. It really was not hard for them. They were simply interested. That is all. I learned that people are very attracted to people who are interested in them. My parents sincerely were facinated by each person who cared for them or came by to visit. They were spell bound by their stories and their faces looked like they were anxious to hear more. Every person felt special...I could tell they left that hospital room feeling acknowledged...noticed.

2) See the best in people

This is an art that I have observed in my parents my entire life. They genuinely think highly of most people they meet. I watched as they complimented each person.

• you do such a great job
• this is the best hospital we have ever been to
• Doctor, you have been so kind to figure out our problem...we appreciate your help so much
• This food is amazing...they do such a great job here!
• I love this coffee that comes out of the machine (free coffee on each floor). It is delicious!

The list could fill several pages. They only saw the best. There was no room in their minds for negativity. I'm inclined to believe they SAW the best because that is exactly what they looked for... the best. They have done this so much that I really think the best is ALL they see. 

Everyone was impressive

Everyone was valued

Everyone was complimented

Everyone was noticed

Oh and by the way, they always look for the best in each other as well.

3) Kindness matters

Their patience with people was a thing to behold.  When I asked daddy why he hadn't had any lunch he simply replied "I figured they were preparing me for a test that needed to be done." 

No complaints. 

No filling out of a survey to express his dissatisfaction. 

No fit pitched. 

No one was reprimanded. 

When the mistake was discovered, food was readily available. No big deal. 

Consider what legacy you are leaving with those you are raising in your household. Children emulate what they see acted out before them. What sort of adult do we want our children to grow into?  Are we behaving in a way that leads them on that path? The old expression "do as I say, not as I do" just doesn't work in parenting. Actions speak way louder than words.

Apologies were made by the staff and met by smiles and loving gestures of reassurance that no harm was done. Such kindness.  I've seen people willing to sue over food issues. People get HANGRY!

I still have work to do to truly benefit from the legacy I've been given. But, hopefully I'm learning and one day I can be proud of the traits our children "caught" from me.

The value of life

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

I am pro-life.  I felt sick to my stomach to see New York pass legislation that would permit late term abortions.  It breaks my heart.  I can't  imagine even those who have no problem with abortion itself not taking issue with this.  It would seem all of us on both sides would just hang our head in shame.  I mean, it's illegal to destroy an Eagle egg, right?  That precious bald headed bird is valuable enough to make it against the law to destroy.  Even in it's unborn state.  God help us.

During this whole mess, my mind races to the value of life itself.  I haven't joined those who have posted articles and memes about their disgust over this matter.

Over the lack of value of human life.

Over the precious baby that has it's own DNA, it's own personality, it's own RIGHTS.

I've been quiet.

You see another problem plagues me.  If we are going to make that stand and say to the world...every life is valuable, then what responsibility do each of us need to play in order to make sure, well, that every life feels valued? Objecting to something is one thing.  Acting on it...now there is a horse of a different color. I just meddled, but if you dare, read on.

My job is to find people who will value life.  I talk to people about helping to take care of children born into families who are not valuing them.  Children who have been neglected, abused, sometimes sexually violated, ignored.  I believe those children have value....same as I believe that precious bald headed BABY has value.

 Such tremendous w o r t h.

Valuing life can't discriminate.  If we say we are believers in the sanctity of life, then every life has value.  I hope those that are willing to vocalize their disgust over abortion, would be equally willing to take in a pregnant teen who doesn't see she has a choice.

I hope those who cry as I do over the babies who die each year, would be equally willing to look at those little faces a few years later,  after their mamas chose to give birth,  and still find them valuable.
It's complicated, I know.  Surely we can vocalize our disgust over abortion and not have to take in the children?  Or can we?

This is not a feel good read.  I'm happy that you made it this far without clicking out.  It seems we shouldn't even have to debate this or talk about it at all.  Children.  Babies.  Their innocence and utter dependence on us brings tears to my eyes. Whether they are in the womb or looking at us from their messy, seven year old body, they are dependent on us as adults to keep them safe.  They are counting on us.
So, where does that leave us?  It leaves us with some responsibility.

We continue to object over the horrors of abortion.

We make our stand and we don't budge.

 And...we begin to see what is expected from us even as we take that stand.

We understand that we might have to walk along side a pregnant mama...maybe furnish her with a baby bed and clothing.  We might have to go through training to become foster parents and bring a child or two or three to live with us for a while...or forever.  We might go across the world and bring home a two year old, dark-skinned beauty.

Oh friends, my heart breaks for unborn babies.

For seven year olds with tear stained faces and one pair of pants.

For the terrified sixteen year old girl, barely old enough for make-up...pregnant with a child.

For the twelve year old bully...tough as nails to survive.

I'm broken.

I'm perplexed.

I'm sad.

But, I'm not helpless.

I can do something.

Some. thing.

Meno-pause this train, I want to get off

Heard of the expression "TMI"?  Meaning, "too much information".  That's me, always bordering on TMI and sometimes putting my toe downright over the line.  Forgive me, but trying to keep it real pushes me to be honest.

Women...we got issues, don't we?  Eve really brought the curse upon us when she grabbed that apple and took a bite. Pain in childbirth?   Humph...try every month for  practically all of your  life and then let's top it off with the grand party hoo haa  of all time...called menopause.

Meno-pause your life and go crazy.

Meno- pause for a time of prayer.

Meno-pause this train, I want to get off.

I, like many of you would battle the occasional "moodiness".  The dark days when you just didn't feel like yourself and you hide in your room trying to avoid any nuclear fallout from your weary condition. My husband, Phil, used to look surprised at what I would say during those rather dark, cloudy moments and I would proudly explain, "I feel this way all the time, it's just when I have PMS that I have the guts to say it!!" He failed to see the humor in it. Can't say that I blame him.

I wrestle with the idea that hormones can control the way my day goes.  How crazy is it that those little rascals can define how I react to any given moment of my day.  Hormones have too much power!! I say we TAKE BACK THE POWER!  This is the moment in my thinking where I imagined myself as a warrior in a kilt and war paint, with staff in hand.  I dart into the crowd, rush on the battle field, bashing all of those little hormones... i digress. Remember the explanation of ADHD?  sorry.

But seriously, it's crap. Not sure how we are supposed to handle all of the stress of life when we have something always jumbling things up.  It's like trying to fold clothes...while INSIDE of the dryer...while it's RUNNING!

That is why I have to stay close to the only source of peace I have.  So grateful I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me.  If I'm this bad with him, I would be behind bars without him! He tells me to find rest in him.  He reminds me that this world is going to bring heartache and tribulation but that HE has overcome this world. He invites me to sit beside  him, lean on his shoulder and relax.  I think I will do just that.  Hoping he doesn't occasionally mind sitting in my hiding place with me.

The marriage of your dreams! But, sometimes comes a nightmare

I have wanted to blog for sometime now.  But, if you have undiagnosed ADHD , a husband, and nine children, you might be distracted. Just a little.  Nevertheless, for some strange reason, there has always been a burning desire to share my heart through the written word.  So, for better or worse, I am embracing this journey.

I suppose I should begin this path by telling a little about myself.  Most of you who would choose to click on this and actually read it, probably know me and my family's story so I hate to bore you right off the bat, but at the remote chance someone doesn't know me, I'll begin with a little history.

Thirty-two years ago, I married the man of my dreams.  Now let me tell you, I have amazing dreams but sometimes my dreams are nightmares.  Every marriage has a nightmare or two as well. Even the very best ones. You can hardly live without a bad dream every now and then.  But, the good dreams...ah, now there is something to talk about!

I hate to confess this, but Phil and I are the couple that might make everyone around us gag.  My heart literally beats faster when he comes in a room.  I am almost as fast as our dog, Sugar, at racing to the door to greet him when he comes home.  We are so in love, it might be embarrassing. Except it's not.  I mean, a successful marriage is our goal, isn't it?

When we took that vow so many years ago, we didn't know what  "for better or for worse" would mean.  How bad, hard, difficult, could it be?   After years of illness, an overseas calling to missions, three biological deliveries, six adoptions, a child who attempted her life, one who claimed atheism, hard ministry, new careers, and then a  cancer diagnosis.  Nah...piece of cake!

Interesting, isn't it?  The ups and downs of life.  We were so young and naive.  Oh my goodness, I'm glad we didn't have a crystal ball! Amazing though, when you go through all of those things side by side and both united by the Lord, you can't look back with regret.  God uses everything. You hear me?  Everything.
Every trial,
every hardship,
every pain, .
every success,
every failure.
every nightmare.
Somehow he uses it to develop his children into children with character.  A little humor maybe.  Add stamina.  And although he still has to work on me with this...patience.

Phil and I have a secret of our success. Want to know what it is?  It's called forgiveness.  It's called loving unconditionally.  It's called never giving up, apologizing and then apologizing again for the same stupid thing you've done a million times.  It's having a silly game of "good night, honey" that you play every night as your head hits the pillow that makes you laugh like you're twelve years old. Its praying, and playing and loving, and dating... together.  Ahh...sounds like fun, doesn't it?  Also, sounds like a lot of good ole fashioned hard work.  You heard me, work.  We work at our marriage as hard as any sculptor commissioned to build a work of art. Something not right...we get on the old tool belt and start chiseling.  The one thing we don't do is give up.
Sort of a novel idea these days...that not giving up thing.

In the middle of ugly

I confess, I'm in the middle of ugly.  I realized it when my husband used this phrase to express how horrible it would be if the Lord returned and found him in the "middle of ugly".  I know what you mean, honey.  I'm there.

I could fill you in on my life over the past year. The cancer diagnosis, the extensive chemo treatments, radiation, top it off with emergency hospitalizations for two close family members, a replacement of an HVAC, and a staff infection that is plaguing our house (We are clean people dog gone it!!) and wha lah!  Stress and ugly.   You would probably give me sympathy and tell me I deserve to have a few episodes of "ugly".  I know...I'm human, blah, blah, blah.

What is "the middle of ugly", you ask?  It's when you have had life slap you so hard it is beginning to leave scars.  It's when you have summoned the coping skills and used them to the fullest and rolled up the tube but you just can't squeeze out anymore.  It's  when the patience runs thin and the eye twitch can't be hidden anymore, and crazy starts peeping out from under your sleeve ...and WHAM!!  Out comes the ugly. Oh, it comes out.  Like an avalanche of toothpaste spilling from the tube, it comes out.  Nothing you can do to suck it back in there either.   The impatience, the eye roll, the too loud instructions that have the slightest bit of an edge to it. The teeth grinding, the tossing and turning of  sleepless nights, the hot flashes that cause you to practically strip publicly.   Oh, it's the ugly alright!

That's where I am, pure and simple.  Right smack dab in the middle of ugly. It isn't a pretty place to be and I would argue, not even interesting.  It's a hot mess and no fun. It's a guilt trip and a basket case, all in one. It leaves you screaming, WHERE IN THE HECK IS THE CURE FOR THIS??

Hmmm. Cure for this.  Let's see....the only thing I can come up with is grace.  From you, from my family, from God.  Not that I am excusing my ugly. Not at all....no way. It's just that I'm in a spot in life where, well, I am not the one extending grace, I'm the one in need of it.

A humbling place to be, let me tell you.  I take pride in my "niceness".  I LIKE to be LIKED.  I enjoy helping others!  I like to handle things with ease, and march around my house like Martha Stuart!  I like it...too much.  Maybe that is why I'm in the middle of ugly. Perhaps the Lord is teaching me this truth.......Cast all your cares upon me, he says.  My burden is light, he whispers to me.  But, Lord!  I've always been so capable of bearing my own burden!!  Ahhhhh, but that is NOT how I intended it, he gently reminds me.

So, here I sit.  One slightly scarred human in need of grace.  And there you are.... full of it. And I thank you.