In the middle of ugly

I confess, I'm in the middle of ugly.  I realized it when my husband used this phrase to express how horrible it would be if the Lord returned and found him in the "middle of ugly".  I know what you mean, honey.  I'm there.

I could fill you in on my life over the past year. The cancer diagnosis, the extensive chemo treatments, radiation, top it off with emergency hospitalizations for two close family members, a replacement of an HVAC, and a staff infection that is plaguing our house (We are clean people dog gone it!!) and wha lah!  Stress and ugly.   You would probably give me sympathy and tell me I deserve to have a few episodes of "ugly".  I know...I'm human, blah, blah, blah.

What is "the middle of ugly", you ask?  It's when you have had life slap you so hard it is beginning to leave scars.  It's when you have summoned the coping skills and used them to the fullest and rolled up the tube but you just can't squeeze out anymore.  It's  when the patience runs thin and the eye twitch can't be hidden anymore, and crazy starts peeping out from under your sleeve ...and WHAM!!  Out comes the ugly. Oh, it comes out.  Like an avalanche of toothpaste spilling from the tube, it comes out.  Nothing you can do to suck it back in there either.   The impatience, the eye roll, the too loud instructions that have the slightest bit of an edge to it. The teeth grinding, the tossing and turning of  sleepless nights, the hot flashes that cause you to practically strip publicly.   Oh, it's the ugly alright!

That's where I am, pure and simple.  Right smack dab in the middle of ugly. It isn't a pretty place to be and I would argue, not even interesting.  It's a hot mess and no fun. It's a guilt trip and a basket case, all in one. It leaves you screaming, WHERE IN THE HECK IS THE CURE FOR THIS??

Hmmm. Cure for this.  Let's see....the only thing I can come up with is grace.  From you, from my family, from God.  Not that I am excusing my ugly. Not at all....no way. It's just that I'm in a spot in life where, well, I am not the one extending grace, I'm the one in need of it.

A humbling place to be, let me tell you.  I take pride in my "niceness".  I LIKE to be LIKED.  I enjoy helping others!  I like to handle things with ease, and march around my house like Martha Stuart!  I like it...too much.  Maybe that is why I'm in the middle of ugly. Perhaps the Lord is teaching me this truth.......Cast all your cares upon me, he says.  My burden is light, he whispers to me.  But, Lord!  I've always been so capable of bearing my own burden!!  Ahhhhh, but that is NOT how I intended it, he gently reminds me.

So, here I sit.  One slightly scarred human in need of grace.  And there you are.... full of it. And I thank you.